Chronicles of E-burg
The Restaurant Customers Guide to Etiquette
Walter J. Zalis
July 29, 2005

You’re a waiter. It’s Friday night. You’re busy. As you collect your thoughts and think out your strategy to satisfy the eight tables currently sitting in your section, you notice some violent movement out of the corner of your wide left eye. Turning, you spot a woman ferociously waving her arms in every direction! You rush over in horror, hoping that some child hasn’t fallen or a knife cut into the filet mignon and not a finger. You dash forward to hear the words, “Can I get a side of Barrr-be-Q sauce?”

I call this method of grabbing a waiters attention, the “my friend is choking” wave. Such aggressive action should only take place during such a dire situation, not because the ketchup is out. I’ve witnessed this act, along with so many other hilarious events within the walls of a restaurant or bar, for I have been a waiter and I’m still a bartender.

Eldersburg has plenty of bars and restaurants. And I know for a fact, that some members of the community need some advice when it comes to being a superior guest. After all, the nicer you are, the better the service will be, cause no one wants to be near extra aggravation. The following descriptions of guest behaviors can be seen in practice every night at a place like Chili’s for example.

Let’s look at the methods people use to grab the waiter or bartenders attention. There are three techniques that are closely related, but range in annoyance. The least obnoxious of the trio is the simple wave. A wave of the hand isn’t too bad, but still, monkeys use hand gestures when they want something. The human race has this fun thing called language. Your waiter or waitress will love you if you simply speak to them, don’t motion.

The moves get worse however, for next in line is the simple motionless hand, high in the air. Once again, language people. And this is not high school, and you are not a queen. Sometimes, just so I can hide my aggression, I’ll throw a high five to really throw the customer off. The looks I have received from that one are great.

The worst by far however is the no look finger. This is described as when not only does a customer have the audacity to simply curl a finger to signal a visit, but they also look away at their companion or menu while doing so. Describing the images that pass through my mind during such a deed would only change the hopefully positive way you think about me. But trust me, IT’S VIOLENT.

There are other strategies such as the “HEY!” and the grab approach to pulling a waiter over- both are inappropriate. I’ve never actually been grabbed myself, but the day someone does… imagine the images from my mind during the no look finger, put into practice.

Moving on, an experienced waiter can always tell if the table is pleasant or a pain depending on their reaction during the initial greeting. The following is a list of definite painful signs:

1. “The Invisible Waiter”- “Hi, how are ya’ll doing today?”… and there’s no reaction, no response. The table simply continues to chat away, ignoring your existence. Expect to find something special in your soup if this is one of your normal practices.

2. The “I’m Ready”- Everyone should know that waiting on tables requires the ability to use time effectively, especially when it’s busy. If you don’t know what you want yet… please tell the waiter!! I’ve listened to people claim they’re ready about eight times as they continue to stare deep into their menu. Liars!

3. The “Thrifty Shopper”- I love approaching a table and before I say anything, BOOM! Coupon is slammed right in front. Makes it all the better when they follow up the move by saying, “I brought a coupon.” Funny, they trust me to take care of their food and drink, even though they obviously have doubts in my vision.

4. “The Customer who lacks communication skills”- This is also known as the “way too eager customer.” Nothing is more disheartening than bellowing out your waiter upbeat greeting, only to hear the response, “Iced Tea.” Screw you too! Say hi!

5. “The Introductions”- This may seem cute and friendly while you’re thinking about it, but honestly, it isn’t necessary. When I tell you my name, please don’t take this as a signal to introduce me to your entire family. It may sound insensitive, but I could really care less, and it’s a massive waste of time. You know my name so that you may grab my attention if necessary. I don’t need to know yours- you’re stationary! You’ll be in the same place I left ya, so skip the friendly gesture.

Personally, I think it would be better if everyone were an alcoholic. Bar guests are rarely burdens, for they have that sweet nectar to comfort them. Children don’t hang out at the bar either, a huge plus. Of course, you’ll get the occasional drunk who won’t shut up, but I’ll take that over an eight year old any day.

Previous Chronicles of E-Burg Columns by Walter Zalis
July 29, 2005 - The Restaurant Customers Guide to Etiquette
July 22, 2005 - Ms. Carol's Denny's Nite Club
July 15, 2005 - Review: The Gyms of E-burg
July 8, 2005 - Eldersburg falls in line with Popular Society
July 1, 2005 - The Challenge of Carrolltown Center
June 23, 2005 - The Streets of E-town: Is there a Drug Problem?
June 17, 2005 - Graduation? Senior Week
June 9, 2005 - Not Your Granny's Town Anymore

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